Good Morning
I don't do well with options. I have said that without the convenience of desperation, I am forced to consider, which is the source of my anxiety. And though it feels an accurate reflection of my experience, the framing doesn't actually offer me a way out. To live in desperation would be its own hell. So as a person of good fortune, I'm left with freedom and calm and options. So many options. Even to reduce them to a select few—my most beloved—doesn't ease my wandering mind. As long as there is another, outside of my current selection, I will, without question, consider it. My only escape seems to come with a sort of recreational desperation—in activities that demand inconsideration. But again, I can't live there. Even to immerse myself momentarily in such activities makes me feel like a madman. I thrive in that place because it makes me a madman. I become fixated and once my attention is fixed, I become absent in every other activity.
I have said that I can't enjoy things that I enjoy because I become a slave to them. They turn me into an addict and I can't experience calm as an addict, not even in the satisfaction of my addictions. So I reach for middle options, those things between dread and desire. I try to keep myself at a distance at all times in order to not tempt my destruction. Fated to mediocrity by my own rules.
I have a propensity for drama, obviously. All of this is fine. 🐕🔥
I find satisfaction and calm in the middle, not in ends. That's the lesson here. It's ends that taunt me—images of satisfaction. The simple act of imagining turns everything into an end. So is it in imagination that my mind betrays me? Perhaps. And again, the framing offers me little. But it's something to pay attention to nevertheless.
This is good. We're really setting the tone for the chaos that will become of this blog.